It’s been fun to pull together the knowledge I’ve garnered as a certified life coach and former dean of continuing education at Wellesley College. I’ve worked with thousands of women reinventing their lives and in that time uncovered a simple truth: changing your life is an inside job.

That’s why the writing exercises and prompts in the MWJ are designed to take the reader on a voyage of self discovery.  In addition, stories of clients and former students who navigated the midlife passage successfully, are included to inspire the reader – along with weekly queries and suggestions.

My next steps in this writing adventure are to prepare a book proposal, find an agent and locate a publisher. Meanwhile, to make the MWJ the best book possible, I’ve printed 100 pre-publication copies to obtain reader feedback. I’m selling these copies at cost – $28.00 for design, printing, etc. (I couldn’t resist using vellum paper for smooth writing, spiral binding for easy use, and a colorful cover to brighten a winter’s day – photo below.)

If you, or your friends are in a journaling mood, and wish to purchase the MWJ, send me an email (coach@bonnieleonard.com), or give me a call (401-295-5115). I’m distributing these limited pre-publication copies on a first-come, first-serve basis.

So how about you?  What will you create this year?  What unrealized dream, nagging desire, or new adventure do you want to manifest? Naming it is your first step. Speak it aloud, and write it down – you’ll add energy to making this idea a reality.  If you like, let me hear about it too.

Next month, I’ll share what I learned from the twists and turns in developing the MWJ with the hope that the lessons will enhance your own expression.

Happy creating,
Bonnie

]]> http://bonnieleonard.com/2010/02/23/the-arrival-of-the-mwj/feed/ 8 http://bonnieleonard.com/2010/01/31/354/ http://bonnieleonard.com/2010/01/31/354/#comments Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:40:45 +0000 Bonnie http://bonnieleonard.com/?p=354 My gym and yoga class are packed this time of year. The treadmill requires my name on a list and a sun salute entails negotiating arm space with folks on mats beside me.  As I wait (not so patiently) for a treadmill spot, I comfort myself with the thought that by March the crowds will thin, as people’s New Year’s resolutions retreat to the corners of their minds.

That’s a shame, because our resolutions usually involve some kind of self care.  We’re either focusing on physical improvement (I resolve to go to the gym 3 days a week), or mental enhancement (I plan to listen to ½ hour of books-on-tape a day), or emotional nourishment (I’ll join that support group), or spiritual development (I’ll meditate 15 minutes a day.)

At midlife, or in any transition when you feel stuck between done that and now what, self care is essential for maintaining the chrysalis that enables you, as the metaphorical caterpillar, to turn into a butterfly.  In fact, when you’re ready to reinvent yourself, life coaches usually recommend extreme, or radical self care.

Extreme self care means putting “you” at the top of your to-do list – in all aspects of your life.  This kind of attention frees up the necessary energy to reevaluate your days, and discover more about who you are and what you want.

If your New Year’s intentions are already evaporating, why not revisit your annual plan and revise it? This time, select just one change to incorporate into your life.  Make it small – you don’t want to set off alarm bells in your nervous system – the mere thought of change just ignites fear.

Then make it regular, so your brain creates a well-worn pathway and finally, be sure it adds to the quality of your life.  After 6 months, when you have assimilated this new habit, give yourself a well-earned pat on the back.

If you do choose to make one, small resolution for the year, I’d be fascinated to hear about it.  I haven’t made one yet and could  use some inspiration.

Happy New Year,

Bonnie

The article contained an explanation based on an experiment conducted at Harvard decades ago. When participants were asked not to think of a white bear (I always thought it was a pink elephant), they tended to mention it about once a minute in the monologue that followed.

The experimenter postulated that trying to put a thought out of your mind makes matters worse. By consciously attempting to avoid an undesirable thought, you remain more aware of it. Furthermore, when you focus your efforts on suppressing an idea, you unconsciously sensitize your brain to it.

According to the article, spending too much time fretting “undermines the body’s ability to react to stress, weakening the cardiovascular system and disrupting normal emotional functioning.” Yikes – what to do?

You can employ a variety of strategies. This article outlines six – one of which students found very successful when I was advising them as a dean at Wellesley. In this approach, you actually bring your attention to the your current anxiety for about 15 minutes, as you repeat your worry over and over in your mind (ex: I may never fall asleep; I’ll never pass this test.) As you might guess, most folks give up long before the 15 minutes is over; it’s just too boring to continue.

Another method is to take a 15-minute meditation break. Simply relax in a comfortable chair, allow your eyes to close and bring your attention to your breathing. Instead of focusing on your worries, when specific thoughts or concerns arise, simply let them float away while you bring your attention back to your breath. I recommend both of these seemingly oppositional strategies for mitigating the worry phenomenon.

Worry isn’t always a bad thing; if fretting beings a solution to a problem, that’s helpful. I was truly bothered when I realized I had forgotten to compose a November newsletter in the midst of my usual coaching, teaching and volunteer activities, along with travel to celebrate Thanksgiving with family and then more travel to celebrate a 4-year old grandchild’s birthday, then preparations for Christmas with more travel plans – plus the brief hospitalization of my 94-year old mother who turned out to be just fine.

While I appreciated a kind friend’s suggestion that no one would notice my newsletter omission because we’re all so busy this time of year, I wasn’t persuaded by her logic. However, I did tune into her comment about the expansion of our “to-do” lists during the holidays. As a result, I’ve decided to publish Midlife Discovery eleven times a year with a single issue for November/December. Stewing can be productive!

So if your worry level is rising this season, take 15 minutes to focus on your concern and get bored, or take a meditation break and get relaxed. Or, perhaps engage your specific anxiety and you may find a satisfying solution.

Meanwhile, happy holidays to you,
Bonnie

While I love the “connected life” as much as the next person, I fell into the camp of the callers who bemoaned the negative impact of these new technologies on our lives. That is, until one woman called in with a perspective that turned my perceptions upside down.

She gave “continuous partial attention” a positive spin by suggesting that this phenomenon had caused her to become more “mindful.” It actually prompted her to consider how she wants to live her life more consciously.

She provided two situations as examples. In the first, she is walking along the Charles River and asks herself whether she wants to wait for a text message from her brother, or turn off her phone. In the second, she is having dinner in Cambridge and decides whether or not to pull out her phone to determine what’s showing at the Capitol Theater in Arlington and what the weather is like there.

These two scenarios helped me understand her point that these new technologies provide an opportunity for us to become more mindful about the quality of our lives. In fact, I had just addressed an interrupted-life problem the day before.

To alleviate the increased stress that a newly acquired volunteer job had created for me, I developed what I called a “Saturday strategy.” I decided to tuck the daily, incoming email related to this work into a “2-Read” file and also to enter every “to-do” item from phone calls I received into my planner. Then on Saturdays, I intend to devote two hours to this work – period. I’ll let you now how this strategy works out: )

If we wish to be fully present to the richness in each moment of our lives in this age of “continuous partial attention,” we’ll have to strengthen our “mindfulness” muscles. Are you willing to ask yourself the kind of questions the caller did when she was walking by the Charles River, or dining in Cambridge? How do, or will you choose to handle your day-to-day interruptions? I’d love to hear about any decisions you make and the impact these choices have on your life.

Happy Halloween,
Bonnie

If you’d like to learn more about how the life coaching structure can help make your life less stressful, more productive and, dare we say it, actually fulfilling, you can contact me for a free consultation.

Ben-Shahar was suggesting that stress, in itself, is not bad – noting that stress can even make us stronger and more resilient. As he sees it, the problem is that folks do not know how to recover from stress, so he focuses his attention on stress recovery.

I grasped the concept immediately, as I remembered the trainer at my local gym telling me to allow a day in between the Nautilus exercises he was demonstrating in order for my muscles to have time to recover. I also thought about my various yoga teachers over the years, who all emphasized that relaxing after a pose is as important as holding the pose. (And who doesn’t love Shavassana, corpse pose – that most restful end to a class – especially when your yoga instructor provides temple rubs with lavender lotion!)

I could easily see how this notion of recovery might benefit my clients, as well my friends, and myself. We’re all doers. As gals-on-the-go, we move from one project to the next. I wondered what might happen if we took a breather after completing a piece of work and congratulated ourselves on a job well done before jumping into the next big task on our “to-do” list.

Turns out this approach is the first of the three, stress-recovery strategies that Ben-Shahar outlined.
1. Micro-breaks – mini breaks of a few minutes, or a few hours throughout the day.
2. Mezzo breaks – Getting enough sleep at night and taking a day off here and there. Research has shown that folks who take a day off a week are healthier and more creative.
3. Macro breaks – Weeks, or even months. Most of us do not have the opportunity to take months off at a time, but he recommends taking that week, or two-week vacation.

As far as I’m concerned, the challenges of midlife warrant a year’s sabbatical, but Ben-Shahar’s micro, mezzo and macro breaks seem like a marvelous substitution for those who cannot spend a year allowing the fields of their psyche to lie fallow.

How about you? If you’re a gal-on-the-go, why not institute a stress-recovery regime in the upcoming week? You can try inserting a few micro breaks during the day. Then be bold and add the mezzo breaks of a good night’s sleep every night and a day off to improve your health and creativity. If you do experiment with this stress-recovery regime, I’d love to hear about your results.

As for me, right now I think I’ll have a cup of tea!

Happy fall,
Bonnie

Whenever I make a request at the end of a session, clients have the option of saying “yes”, or “no”, or making a counter offer. In this case, Jane responded with an immediate “yes” plus a magnificent expansion, “I will imagine each scenario just before I fall asleep.”

What a wonderfully wise idea! She had intuitively grasped what recent research has revealed: this in-between time before falling asleep is where creativity lives. Psychologists even claim to be able to enhance the creative performance of musicians and dancers by boosting the low-frequency theta waves that predominate as we turn inward and fall asleep.

Haven’t you noticed that ideas often come to you when you find yourself in this kind of relaxed condition? For example, when you are driving along a highway and suddenly realize that you don’t remember the previous few minutes, but you’ve discovered a new thought about something. Both Edison and Salvador Dali consciously traveled to this realm of in-between to unleash their own creativity.

Edison solved problems by falling asleep in a chair with ball bearings clutched in his hands over metal pie plates on the floor. As his hands relaxed, the noise of the ball bearings hitting the plates would awaken him, so he could jot down solutions that had come to him in this drowsy state.

Story has it that Dali also trained himself to doze off in a chair. He rested his chin on a spoon held in one hand, propped up by his elbow resting on a table so when he fell asleep, the clatter of the spoon would arouse him – whereupon he began to paint the fanciful images that had emerged in this hypnagogic state.

If you have a problem to solve, or are seeking new images, why not follow the approach of Edison, Dali and my client? (I don’t think you need to use the ball-bearings.) I’m certainly looking forward to hearing the results of Jane’s experiment and would love to hear about any of your efforts too!

Happy end of summer,

Bonnie

Rather the word arrives in the context of the frustration women often feel when they find themselves responsible for tending to two generations at the same time. The term sandwich generation entered Miriam-Webster’s Dictionary in 1987 to describe “a generation of people, who are caring for their aging parents, while supporting their own children.” Researchers may argue about the age of those children, but they agree this phenomenon is on the rise.

A quick trip to Wikipedia informed me that, “according to the Pew Research Center, just over 1 of every 8 Americans aged 40-60 is both raising a child and caring for a parent.” No wonder the word sandwich is cropping up more often. Another fascinating factoid gleaned from this source is that July is officially named in the National Events Registry as Sandwich Generation month. Who knew my choice for this month’s topic would be so inadvertently appropriate?

While Federal recognition for the dedication of a these sandwiched folks is well deserved, the woman in my interactions want to know how to focus on personal expansion when they feel so limited by the caretaking duties they have assumed. This apparent restraint is particularly frustrating at midlife when finding a new direction is on the minds of so many women – whether it means charting a different career path, changing locations, going back to school, or discovering another way to make their lives more authentic.

There are no simple answers here. In my experience, each client gradually finds her own solution in her own unique fashion, as she is really the true expert. I can, however, suggest a good starting point. While it may seem obvious, the first step is awareness and acceptance. When a client describes her discouraged feelings about being sandwiched, I know she is already on a productive path, because she is aware of the problem and can acknowledge her frustration.

Sometimes it’s tempting to ignore your feelings and jump to a quick rationalization like, “Well in a few years, my oldest will be headed off to college and then maybe I can focus on my interests.” If that works for you – perfect! If not, expressing and accepting your disappointment, or resentment (or whatever your emotion might be) is a great way to begin forming a meaningful life in the face of seemingly insurmountable restrictions.

Each individual possesses distinctive creative energies and solutions to bring to bear on any seriously stuck place. What about you? Have you ever found your way forward out of a sticky space? What steps did you take that proved to be beneficial? I’d love to hear about them and so might other readers.

Happy Sandwich Generation Month!
Bonnie

When I moved out of my position as Dean of Continuing Education at Wellesley into that of Life Coach for women, I gained a more flexible schedule. Instead of heading out the door at 8:00 am with a stop for coffee en route to my office, these days I’m at home plopped in a comfy chair talking with a client over the phone. With the onset of this more relaxed lifestyle, I initiated a regular exercise program of walking 3x/week. While my intention was good, the execution fell short. The reasons for this shortfall (or rather my rationalizations) were that my walking partner wasn’t available, or that it was raining. Finally, when snow arrived later in the year, all bets were off.

Clearly my plan wasn’t working, so I changed course and joined a local gym with its treadmills, bicycles and nautilus equipment. This scheme worked – thanks to some large-print books from the library, which allowed me to read on the treadmill. I even added a weekly yoga class to the schedule. I have to admit that the compelling plots and characters of the large-print library books probably provided the incentive that made the difference. Never-the-less, these small, consistent weekly acts of heading to the gym have brought more regular exercise into my life.

Often, in the early weeks of working with a client, she’ll tell me she wants to focus on becoming healthier, which usually involves a new exercise regime. When I hear this remark, a smile crosses my face, because I know she is building just the right platform of self-care for launching herself into a satisfying new life. (Attending to your physical well-being is one aspect of self-care.)

An additional advantage to embarking on an improved self-care practice is that when you are stuck and lack clarity about your vision for the future, it can be tremendously satisfying to sense the forward motion of your self-care regimen. That’s why as a Life Coach, I love to acknowledge my clients’ progress, which I can see more easily as an outside observer.

So how about you? Where would you like more? More health? More savings? More education? More fun with family and friends? Whatever your choice, if you develop a schedule of small daily, or weekly, actions and make this plan a priority, you can really change your life.

And you already know how to set priorities. If you’re picking up a child at school, or catching a train for a business meeting, don’t you arrive at the school, or the station, at the appointed hour? Yep – it’s simply a priority for you. So why not bring more into your world? I’d love to hear about any new self-care practice you’ve decided to install in your life. Remember: “small is the new big”!

Good luck,
Bonnie

P.S. If you would like to learn how the coaching structure can bring more into your life, you can contact me for a free consultation.

For centuries, women have nurtured one another as they gather to discuss books, sew quilts and tend gardens. Virtual networks like Facebook and My Space do not supply the same satisfaction and comfort despite their popularity. In fact, the exponential rise in the use of electronic media has contributed to a drop in face-to-face contact over the last 10 years with serious repercussions. According to Dr. Aric Sigman in an issue of Biologist, this lack of human contact may actually alter the way genes work, upset immune responses and influence mental performance.

More research on this topic is undoubtedly needed, but it’s regrettable to learn that on-line social networks may have the paradoxical effect of keeping people apart. Sigman explains that interaction in person has affects on the body not seen when sending emails and “when we’re ‘really’ with people different things happen.” He suggests, “it’s probably an evolutionary mechanism that recognizes the benefits of us being together geographically.” Maybe that’s why joining with other women can ease your days, lighten your tasks and brighten your world.

With the self-descriptive name of “Stitch and Bitch Club”, my woman’s group meets every Thursday. Together we vent, laugh, explore, listen and knit – mittens, scarves, sweaters and shawls for folks in nursing homes. One brave soul is even embarking on a pair of socks she’ll knit from toe to top. As we rendezvous over lunch at Bagelz of Wickford, I have the delicious feeling of “playing hookey”; I always return home refreshed and ready for an afternoon of work.

If your role is changing (maybe your children are leaving the nest, or you’re seeking a different profession) so you’re questioning who you are and what you want, find yourself a bunch of women. Maybe you can form your own group with others who want to explore their changing lives, or you may already belong to a group. If it’s a book club, why not make reading selections that are relevant to you and your stage of life? (By the way, if you discover some fiction or non-fiction that nourishes and inspires you, I’d love to hear about it.)

And do let me know if regular conversations with a group of other women help you find greater clarity and comfort as you shoot the tricky rapids of midlife.

Good luck,
Bonnie

If you would like to consider the professional support of a Life Coach to sort out your confusion and create a more meaningful life for yourself, you can contact me for a free consultation.

This highly dynamic, former foreign editor of Time magazine focused my eyes squarely on what he believes to be a newly emerging global order. As Ramo proclaims, “We are now at the start of what may become the most dramatic change in the international order in several centuries. What we face isn’t one single shift or revolution, like the end of World War II or the collapse of the Soviet Union or a financial crisis, so much as an avalanche of ceaseless change.”

His statements actually straightened my spine, so I headed for Amazon to purchase his book and investigate his ideas more thoroughly. My initial take, however, was that Ramos is correct and that ceaseless change will continue to stalk our lives in the coming years. Surprisingly, I was almost relieved to think, “So that’s what’s happening, I’m living in truly revolutionary times.”

But as many women at midlife can attest, living with change is a challenge – never mind inhabiting a world of ceaseless change. Adapting to radical shifts, whether on the planet, or in your psyche demand a corresponding change of identity, which is what makes these shifts so provocative.

Identity sits at the top of the change-difficulty scale. It’s easier to convert your beliefs than transform your identity. And you can alter your behavior more readily than convert your beliefs. And it’s simpler to shift your environment than alter your behavior. A simple move across town is disruptive, so you can imagine the fallout created by a change of identity.

Reinventing yourself and your life is a daunting process, but many women find it necessary or desirable at midlife. Your youngest child goes off to college and your identity as a full-time Mom slides right out from under your feet. No surprise you wander around the house feeling a little lost. Or you find yourself constantly bored at work. The daily joy of a position you were thrilled to obtain years ago has faded away. You know you should be grateful to have a job in this economy, but you’re depleted by your highly pressured, meaningless lifestyle.

Just as I felt relief in naming the fact that we may be living in revolutionary times, you may find respite in the recognition that you are feeling the turbulence of a midlife transition. After I thought about things, I became a little excited, albeit scared, to be living on the planet in a time of giant upheaval. In a similar way, you might be energized by the prospect of who you can become as you navigate the midlife passage.

Meanwhile spring is here; the sun shines later in the day and in this part of the country the flowering trees are producing a fireworks extravaganza. And it does feel grand!

Warm regards,
Bonnie

If you would like to learn more about how the coaching structure can provide support and constancy in the midst of radical life changes, you can contact me for a free consultation.