Places – How To

After you clear the clutter out of your home with the approaches outlined in last month’s newsletter, you may look around and realize the colors in your rooms no longer please you. Just as you might discover a desire for brighter clothing when you clear out your closet, you may also find a craving for a particular shade in the spaces around you – peach for example. By all means honor this wish, because it reflects the new, emerging you. Paper a bathroom, or paint a wall, or buy a throw, or pick out pillows that reflect that perfect shade of peach for this transition time in your life. Then step back to admire the changes you wrought.

Consider the spaces where you spend your days and bring them up to date to reflect the woman you are becoming. You may not be able to describe her yet, but you probably know what she likes and what she doesn’t; what fascinates her and what bores her. While you have less control over an office at work, you can still make changes that will dramatically affect the emotional feel of your workspace. A large wall hanging of embroidered elephants, for example, portrays a different reality from a bold graphic print. Find those elements that scream, “This is me.”

As a final suggestion for nourishing places, consider heading for those locations that just plain, “nurture your soul.” For many folks, any spot in nature can soothe away the cares of daily living, and even the bigger ones of life. By all means head for the beach to put your toes in soft, white sand and hear the restful sound of waves gently lapping the shore, or take a hike in the mountains to sniff the intoxicating scent of pine and feel the refreshment of cooler air as you climb higher and higher.

People – How To

When enmeshed in this midlife period, you may notice that spending time with some of your friends and acquaintances doesn’t nourish you in the same way. Maybe your monthly book group begins to feel more like a chore than a rewarding evening. Or the opposite could be the case – just when you were evaluating your ongoing participation in your book group, you leave an evening discussion so wired you have trouble getting to sleep. By all means, honor every one of those feelings during this transition.

It’s OK if you do not find the same kind happy energy in your exchanges with friends and acquaintances. No need to blame anyone here – including yourself – or to fix the other person, or situation.  As Sonia Sotomayor recently noted in an interview on Book TV, “If you fix this, things will be better – what a useless conversation!” No need to do anything other than watch your own internal responses, and release any charged feelings. Some friendships and groups may fade and others may grow as you let old patterns go and bring in new approaches to living.

Finally, I’d love to hear about the ways you have discovered to construct a nurturing environment for yourself.
Bonnie

P.S. A reminder: only 3 days remain to take advantage of the 25% discount for my Midlife Journaling eCourse, Reinvent Your Life ~ Write Now,  now offered for $35.00.

To celebrate this glorious month, I’m offering 25% off my Journaling eCourse, which usually sells for $47.00. For the month of May only, you’ll be able to purchase “Reinvent Your Life ~ Write Now” for $35.00.

If you (or a friend) are searching for a way to transform your life, this eCourse is a great way to begin. For nine weeks, you go on a writing adventure, where you discover what you need to move forward, who you are now, and what you want for your life .

To learn more, click here.

Chaos inevitably accompanies a metamorphosis because the old form must be destroyed before a new form can arise. Before the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it dissolves into a formless goo within the chrysalis. So when your familiar world begins to fade at midlife and a new one has yet to emerge, chaos may describe your world.

When your life begins to shift in major ways in the middle years (emptying nest), or when an unexpected event propels change (restructured out of a job), it’s time to develop your own cocoon to foster an amazing restructuring process. The personal metamorphosis that characterizes midlife requires a nurturing environment.   

So how to create that environment? Since the world around you consists of people, places and things, you can spin your own protection by giving your attention to these three areas. This issue of Midlife Discovery will focus on “things.” Next month’s issue will support you in attending to people and places.

Things – How To

Begin by taking a moment to simply pause and look around you as you sit on your couch, or chair at home. Concentrate on the items in the room around you – one by one. For each item, ask the question, “Do I love it – am I happy it’s here?” If your answer is “Yes”, that’s great; enjoy it! If your answer is “No”, the time has come to clear what has now turned into “clutter.” If you don’t love it any more, but it’s useful – like a lamp. Keep it; you may want to consider buying a new lamp, but that’s a job for another day.

Or, if you prefer, start with one of your clothes closets. Simply go through your wardrobe and pull out any item you haven’t worn in the last two years. (Experts usually suggest one year, but two years makes it easier to say good-bye.)

Or if time is limited, that overloaded kitchen drawer is begging you to cast an eye on its contents and dig out the utensils you never use. Once you’ve identified those things (clothes, household items, etc.) that no longer serve you, your next step is to remove this clutter from your life. Why not give it away to a charity, or bring it to a consignment shop, or use whatever approach works for you?

This kind of clearing can also help you learn more about the woman you have become and what she wants. Perhaps you’re tired of those neutrally colored clothes and crave more color in your life. Or perhaps you’re weary of all those loud, bright colors and seek a more neutral and peaceful palette. Good to know!

As you clear this “clutter” from your life, be sure to observe and acknowledge that surge of energy that arrives when you let go of those objects that no longer make meaning in your life.

If you begin to clear some of your clutter in the months ahead, do let me know if you encounter that surge of energy, or any other reward.

Happy Spring Clearing!
Bonnie

P.S. In the weeks ahead, look for a surprise offer that will help you put your own midlife reinvention into motion.

The abstract of her article in The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, reads, “Having a smaller friendship network at age 45 was associated with poorer psychological well-being among adults at age 50, over and above socio-demographic factors and previous psychological health.”

Or in more personal language, Dr. Cable tells us, “Having more friends with whom we actually meet is important to our mental health,” Cable adds. “Not having friends at all is bad for our mental health. We need to treasure friends that we have.”

So cherish those friends of yours, and spend time with them. “More easily said than done,” you might reasonably reply. The middle years bring major demands on your already busy life. Perhaps you’re caught between taking care of a sick child and an aging parent. Or just when you completed that last project successfully at work and expected to finally get home at a reasonable hour, your boss announces a new venture for your department. Or you may even be dealing with the devastating aftermath of a hurricane or fire.

But for your own well-being, do find a way to be with your friends. It’s good for you! Even the research tells us this is so. Maybe you can rustle up a buddy for that early morning run of yours, or book a spa day with that old college friend, or set up a mother-daughter book club. Women can always find ways to get together. When females were not allowed in colleges during the nineteenth century, they created book clubs where they could gather together for interesting conversations. So what method will you invent to spend more time with your friends and maybe even accomplish other goals at the same time?

I’d love to hear how you go about developing this opportunity to improve your midlife mental health.

Happy Spring!

Bonnie

In addition to throwing out items that no longer serve you in the world around you, you can also extricate negative feelings and personal regrets from your inner world. Who wants to bring that unwanted baggage into your new life? Forgiveness is a great way to clear out inner space, so something new can emerge. I was recently reminded of this opportunity when I listened to a public radio show where Professor Frederic Luskin was speaking about forgiveness, which has been the subject of his lifelong research.

One way he recommends for letting go of resentments and hurts that pile up over time is to change your narrative. He suggests that you tell yourself a different story by shifting your role from victim to hero. While I have not yet read his book on the topic, I can see how reacting to a past hurt as the hero of your story instead of its victim would require a different perspective and shift your usual emotional response. I suspect Luskin’s technique may work by interrupting the neural triggers that pondering certain incidents can evoke.

Professor Luskin also noted that forgiveness does not mean denying your hurt, or condoning inexcusable behavior, or reconciling with the offender, or giving up your feelings. If you would like to learn more about his work on forgiveness, you can check out his book, Forgive for Good.

Meanwhile, why not clear out some space in your inner world by moving into the hero’s role instead of the victim’s, if any feelings of resentment or hurt arise in the week ahead? Remember, this does not mean giving up your feelings, or any of the other options Luskin listed.

If you decide experiment with this approach, I’d love to hear about your experience with it. Perhaps this technique will even empower you to follow Nora Ephron’s advice to, “Above all, be a heroine of your own life, not the victim!”

Only 22 days until Spring!
Bonnie

P.S. If you know of others who would be interested in the creations at Bonnie Leonard Coaching, please share this newsletter with them and invite them to subscribe.

Time is a precious commodity in our complicated world. Time to do nothing, or time to put your feet up and read that new book you downloaded from the library. (I left The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller to draft this newsletter.) Or time to go for a run, or a walk in the woods, or bake those cupcakes from your Magnolia Bakery cookbook  – or do whatever suits your fancy.

To carve out this kind of time, you need to cut – i.e. remove something from your daily or weekly schedule during the coming year. What will you resolve to eliminate? What does not feed your soul? Could it be that extra hour of TV you watch every night that’s not really interesting, or entertaining? Or could it be that excess time you spend on Facebook?

Or perhaps you could eliminate something that does not take time, but still detracts from your well-being. What about that bag of potato chips you grab with your lunch every day? I know someone who decided to dispense with her daily bag of chips during the workweek. Her resolution to paid off dramatically; by the end of the year she lost 15 pounds.

If you like, cast your mind over a typical week in your life; picture your activities from when you wake up until when you go to bed for each day. Keep an eye out for those moments that feel like a poor use of that precious resource: time, or that don’t nourish you in some way. Select one to eliminate as your resolution for the year. I recommend choosing just one; simple is good in our complicated lives.

What would you like to remove from your life in the coming year? Whatever you choose offers a big reward, because you will have more hours to do what you truly enjoy, and enhance your sense of well-being. So why not choose subtraction rather than addition with your New Year’s resolutions this year?

As usual, I’d love to hear what you plan to do. Why not post a resolution of what you aim to eliminate from your life this year? Research suggests that a public statement of a goal facilitates the ability to follow through with it. Plus other folks could benefit from your post, since they might adopt your idea too.

May I wish you an EXTRAORDINARY 2013!

Bonnie

While her article poses these queries in the job-interview context, why not use them before you even apply for a job? Simply ask yourself: 1) if you possess the talents the job requires (strengths are simply well-developed natural talents), 2) if you are motivated to do it, and 3) if you are a good fit with the organization. If any of your answers turn up negative, applying for the job might just waste your valuable time.

More mundane applications for these three questions also exist. Say a good friend asks you to bake a treat for the upcoming bake-sale to benefit the school library. Maybe baking is not your strength, but you are motivated to help your friend and this task does fit in with your own value of supporting the school library. Two out of three here! What would you do? If you say, “yes” to your friend’s request, you might not be smiling when you whip up those cupcakes – even if you are using a mix.

Instead, what if you offered to staff the bake-sale booth for two hours? Perhaps you’re a whiz at selling – in fact maybe you used to sell full time before the kids arrived. Might be fun to flex those sales muscles again!

If selling is not your thing, you could still find another way to help your friend that would tap your talents. For any undertaking, I recommend a solid “yes” to all three questions if you don’t want to be pulling burnt cupcakes out of the oven – metaphorically speaking.

But what if you’re stuck simply trying to answer the three questions in the first place? Maybe naming your strengths, or determining what motivates you makes your head reel. For authentic answers to these questions and more, you can check out my nine-week journaling program, REINVENT YOUR LIFE ~ WRITE NOW.

WEEK 4 of the program provides specific writing exercises to help you discover your own natural talents, and in WEEK 5 you categorize them into four Gift/Sets – critical for any job interview as Jacobs first question reveals. WEEK 6 takes you on a writing journey to uncover your Passions – those excitements and enthusiasms that make you want to jump out of bed in the morning. In short, the answer to question two, what motivates you.

If you no longer want to burn metaphorical cupcakes by automatically saying “Yes” when a substitute “Yes”, or actual  “No”, would serve you better, why not embark on this structured journaling program (link)? By investing an hour a week for nine weeks, you’ll unearth your own deep wisdom for meaningful and satisfying steps forward on the reinvention path. (Insert link)

May I wish you and yours the happiest of holidays,
Bonnie

1. A growing sense of regret over unattained goals.  Yes__ No__

2. New feelings of self-consciousness around more successful colleagues. Yes__ No__

3. A new emphasis on remaining youthful when the effort previously seemed unimportant. Yes__ No__

4. A desire to spend more time alone or with certain peers who could be characterized as ‘youthful’ or ‘comfortable in their own skin.’   Yes__ No__

5. A new-found tendency to abuse alcohol.   Yes__ No__

6. Placing import on acquiring unusual or expensive items when such purchases could previously have been described as frivolous or impulsive.   Yes__ No__

7. A sharp increase in self-criticism with a correlating decline in self-compassion.     Yes__ No__

8. Obsessing over one’s physical appearance when similar attention was previously unpaid.   Yes__ No__

9. Placing unusual amounts of pressure and stress on one’s children to excel in a variety of fields.   Yes__ No__

10. Entering relationships with younger partners.   Yes__ No__

After examining this list, I have some questions for you. Your responses to any or all of the following queries would be much appreciated, as I would like to compile a better list of ten symptoms to determine if a woman has entered the midlife passage.

• How many times, did you say “Yes”?

• Which of these symptoms seem relevant to you?

• My own reaction was that this list has many items that might be more slanted to the male population; do you agree? If so, which ones?

• Are there any symptoms you would delete ?

• Finally, is there a symptom you would add?

Again, responses from you will help me develop a more relevant list to share with readers. All comments welcome!

Thank you,
Bonnie

P.S. If you found yourself answering “Yes” to a couple of these questions, you might want to check out my new, nine-week, journaling program for women stuck at the midlife crossroads, called Reinvent Your Life ~ Write Now. One nice feature: you can buy it now and start whenever you like!

Keeping a journal also allows you to track your progress over time. Most of us are usually so immersed in our day-to-day lives that we’re unable to see our own development and growth. As a life coach, I often remind my clients of their demonstrable advancement. While they express surprise at hearing such a comment, they can readily acknowledge how far they’ve traveled in recent months.

Journaling often brings personal insights. Diving into the murky waters of self can bring unexpected solutions to personal challenges. For women stuck at the midlife crossroads, this journey into self is essential. Since the two primary tasks at midlife are to discover your authentic self and learn how to express it in the world, the inner voyage journaling naturally demands is just what the doctor ordered when you’re feeling stuck.

All the outside advice in the world won’t get you unstuck, because the secret to any successful change lies within you. When you listen for, tune into, and are guided by that small, still voice inside you, you can create a successful “Second Act”.

That’s why journaling is the main feature of my new, nine-week program to help you Reinvent Your Life ~ Write Now. This program brings 15 pages of powerful writing prompts and exercises to your inbox every week that will enable you to tap that deep, inner knowing. These pages also include a weekly coaching request so you can apply the wisdom you gain through journaling to your daily life. As you write your way through the each week’s guided exercises, you’ll also encounter stories of other women who face a variety of midlife challenges.

This guided program will lead you step by step into a fresh way of living that matches your own wise direction. Nine weeks of structured journaling exercises, motivating stories of other midlife women, plus weekly coaching requests will give you to access your own deep wisdom that you can use to create that new life you’ve been dreaming about.

For those of you who subscribe to Midlife Discovery, I have a SPECIAL OFFER. The first five folks who sign up for this this program and make a request will receive a FREE coaching session with me ($100 value). To win, simply purchase Reinvent Your Life ~ Write Now and send me an email telling me you want a FREE session. If you’re one of the first five, I’ll send you an email with the good news that you’ve won a FREE coaching session. Not to worry, we’ll schedule a time that works for you.

You can sign up for this masterful, midlife journaling program here.

Meanwhile, Happy Fall!
Bonnie