Regardless of whether these clients were looking for a job, expanding their role on the job, or just completing a big project at work, they were ready for a time-out and even pondering a life make-over at a deeper level. With endless “to-do” lists, a feeling of never enough time, and decreasing daily joy, all these women were craving down time.  When they thought about taking it, they felt guilty, yet if they considered ignoring their wish for a respite, they anticipated exhaustion.

Vacations are great, and summer is a wonderful time for them, but the weariness I heard required more redress than a one, or two-week breather from the daily routine.  What I sensed is that these women wanted to reset the very way they experience life.  They wanted to go about their business and still be able to enjoy periods of rest without a lurking sense of what is left undone.  At the end of the day, they longed to feel energized, not drained.

One way to look at resetting the way you live is to use the metaphor of breathing. When we complete one task and move onto the next, and then onto the next with no pause, it’s like constantly breathing in with no time for an out-breath.  For calm and contentment to prevail – not to mention good health – we need that out-breath to be fully experience what’s in front of us. This kind of full engagement gives us energy rather than depleting it.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that bringing ourselves to the moment at hand is central to so many religious philosophies, as well as current methodologies for coping with stress. The pace of change in our world is accelerating at a breath-taking (note that word) rate. Focusing on the present moment may be the only effective means of managing this faster and faster advancement.

You may have already developed ways to pause and treasure the present moment – a practice which allows you to realize what you want at that exact second, whether it’s on your task list or not.  For me, the wonder of nature occasionally slows down my over-active brain, and enables me to touch base with my Self.  For example, yesterday morning, I grabbed a pair of binoculars to get a closer look at the great blue heron perched on the big rock in the middle of the cove outside my back window. After this glimpse of natural beauty, I felt calmer, and breathed more deeply. Somehow my next task just seemed easier to execute.

Have you noticed a recent desire on your part to reset your approach to life? And what ways have you found to pause and connect with that deeper Self? I’d love to hear about your experiences, and so might some other folks!

Happy Summer,
Bonnie

Regardless of those oh-so-familiar “senior moments”, like when you walk into a room and forget what you came for, or those frustrating name-finding episodes, the author contends, “Long-term studies now provide evidence that despite a misstep now and then, our cognitive abilities continue to grow.” As one example, she points to the work of Laura Carstensen, director of the Center on Longevity at Stanford University, who asserts, “I’d have to say from what we know now that the middle-aged brain is downright formidable.”

As I continued reading, I was surprised to learn that 50 is the new 30 – well almost! Strauch details a study by Zebriski, who compared test results of folks who were seventy-four years old sixteen years ago with those in a current group of the same age. She discovered that today’s group did far better on a range of mental tests achieving scores closer to people fifteen years younger in the earlier testing. So actually 50 is the new 35.

To be sure, processing speed slows down with age along with short-term memory (yes, those “senior moments” again), but neuronal expertise is building and with it comes better judgment and even wisdom. Perhaps it’s no surprise that the age of the crone (who personifies wisdom as the third age of the Great Goddess archetype), is fifty-six. Neurology is recapitulating mythology here.

So what if you spend a few extra moments hunting for your glasses when they’re on your head!  Remember, you are much better at sorting out complex patterns; you know what to pay attention to and what to ignore. Since this kind of expertise accumulates over time, you may be unaware you’ve built up these capabilities. But pause for a moment and think back to your twenties. Certainly you can sense that you’re wiser now. I’d love to hear the specific ways you can see your wisdom has increased on the job, or in parenting, or with friends. And if you want to share a silly story about a “senior moment,” please do. As Audrey Hepburn said, “I love people who make me laugh…It’s probably the most important thing in a person.”

Enjoy that formidable brain of yours,
Bonnie

Career malaise is common for many women at midlife, as they yearn for meaningful work that reflects the women they have become. Inertia often accompanies this angst, but life events have a way of jolting you out of immobility and into a job search.

A variety of life triggers have this power. Maybe you’ve been a stay-at-home Mom and your kids will soon be in school full time, so you wonder if it’s time to return to full-time, or part time work.  And if you do, should you pursue a new direction, or pick up where you left off with your former career? Or maybe, your kids are heading off to college leaving an empty space in your house and in your role as mother.  How will you fill it?  Or perhaps, you arrive home from work every day drained dry from a job that empties your emotional tank rather than filling it. Or, maybe the recession has led to a lay-off for you. Even if you see your lay-off as an opportunity to locate yourself in a more fulfilling field, what would that be?

Whatever your life circumstances, you realize you want a new job and a more compelling future, but how to begin? While your first instinct may be to update your resume, attend networking events, check out available jobs online, and contact friends and acquaintances, I recommend you shift your gaze inward.

In my own personal experience, and in the decades spent empowering woman to re-imagine their lives, I’ve learned a single truth about successful reinvention – it’s an inside job! So in any job search, I suggest you focus your energy on exploring your inner landscapes before you look outside for that new position.

This hard, inner work will reap big benefits. First and foremost, your heart will be engaged in your job search, and believe me, there is no better companion for this task. You’ll also hunt for positions with companies that match your values, because you’ll know what they are.  When you go for interviews and face that familiar question about your strengths, or skill sets, you’ll be able to respond with confidence, because you’ll have uncovered and named them for yourself. And finally, you’ll know whether or not this position puts you on your path of purpose.

You have to know who you are and what you want, before you can create a reliable road map for your future, whether you’re engaged in a job search, or not. And if you are hunting for a new job, good luck!

Happy exploring,
Bonnie

P.S.  If you would like a free consultation to learn how my Life Coaching Launch Sessions will help you learn more about yourself at deeper level, click here.

I thought to myself, “This pianist put her finger on an important key for finishing any large project – you have to love it. In last month’s newsletter, I promised to share lessons I learned from writing The Midlife Woman’s Journal: 9 Weeks to Discover More Inside You (The MWJ).

Once you set a clear intention to embark on any project, passion is the first necessary ingredient. If you cannot locate excitement for developing your idea, drop it like a hot potato. You will not have the necessary energy to sustain your effort – especially when you encounter bumps in the road ahead.

Any extensive project like creating a book also demands an effective time-management system. The purpose of such a system is to free your mind up for greater activities than trying to remember what you are supposed to be doing and where you are supposed to be.  It should give you a feeling of control over your life – at least control over those events you can control. There are no promises about computer break-downs, traffic jams and flooded basements – all of which I encountered in the last week!

A good system yields this result by organizing, tracking, and reviewing the bits of information you carry around in your head. In addition, to state the obvious, if your project doesn’t to make it into your planner, it’s probably not going to happen. When you enter project tasks into your planner, be sure to chunk them down into chewable bites you can consume easily on a daily basis.

A final ingredient in the recipe for successful completion of any large undertaking is structured personal support. Last spring, when I decided to write a book for women at midlife, I signed up for a short, book-writing course with book coach, Lisa Tener. Later, to spur my efforts along, I formed a small, book-writing group with a few folks from the class. We met every week over the summer to review our writing and encourage one another. In the fall, I enrolled in a longer, book-writing course of Lisa’s and by January had a first draft of the MWJ in hand. A strong personal support structure can move things along like magic.

While passion, an effective time-management system and a personal support structure are not the only keys for completing a large project successfully, they do provide you with a solid, three-legged stool. By using this particular platform, I was able to finish the MWJ and mint a pre-publication copy in less than a year.

If you would like to purchase a copy of the MWJ (which I’m selling at cost for $28 in order to get feedback from readers), you can contact me via email coach@bonnieleonard.com or by phone 401.295.5115.  Meanwhile, good luck with any big enterprise you are considering, or may have already undertaken. Why not apply the three-legged stool approach?

Happy Spring,
Bonnie

It’s been fun to pull together the knowledge I’ve garnered as a certified life coach and former dean of continuing education at Wellesley College. I’ve worked with thousands of women reinventing their lives and in that time uncovered a simple truth: changing your life is an inside job.

That’s why the writing exercises and prompts in the MWJ are designed to take the reader on a voyage of self discovery.  In addition, stories of clients and former students who navigated the midlife passage successfully, are included to inspire the reader – along with weekly queries and suggestions.

My next steps in this writing adventure are to prepare a book proposal, find an agent and locate a publisher. Meanwhile, to make the MWJ the best book possible, I’ve printed 100 pre-publication copies to obtain reader feedback. I’m selling these copies at cost – $28.00 for design, printing, etc. (I couldn’t resist using vellum paper for smooth writing, spiral binding for easy use, and a colorful cover to brighten a winter’s day – photo below.)

If you, or your friends are in a journaling mood, and wish to purchase the MWJ, send me an email (coach@bonnieleonard.com), or give me a call (401-295-5115). I’m distributing these limited pre-publication copies on a first-come, first-serve basis.

So how about you?  What will you create this year?  What unrealized dream, nagging desire, or new adventure do you want to manifest? Naming it is your first step. Speak it aloud, and write it down – you’ll add energy to making this idea a reality.  If you like, let me hear about it too.

Next month, I’ll share what I learned from the twists and turns in developing the MWJ with the hope that the lessons will enhance your own expression.

Happy creating,
Bonnie

]]> http://bonnieleonard.com/2010/02/23/the-arrival-of-the-mwj/feed/ 12 http://bonnieleonard.com/2010/01/31/354/ http://bonnieleonard.com/2010/01/31/354/#comments Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:40:45 +0000 Bonnie http://bonnieleonard.com/?p=354 My gym and yoga class are packed this time of year. The treadmill requires my name on a list and a sun salute entails negotiating arm space with folks on mats beside me.  As I wait (not so patiently) for a treadmill spot, I comfort myself with the thought that by March the crowds will thin, as people’s New Year’s resolutions retreat to the corners of their minds.

That’s a shame, because our resolutions usually involve some kind of self care.  We’re either focusing on physical improvement (I resolve to go to the gym 3 days a week), or mental enhancement (I plan to listen to ½ hour of books-on-tape a day), or emotional nourishment (I’ll join that support group), or spiritual development (I’ll meditate 15 minutes a day.)

At midlife, or in any transition when you feel stuck between done that and now what, self care is essential for maintaining the chrysalis that enables you, as the metaphorical caterpillar, to turn into a butterfly.  In fact, when you’re ready to reinvent yourself, life coaches usually recommend extreme, or radical self care.

Extreme self care means putting “you” at the top of your to-do list – in all aspects of your life.  This kind of attention frees up the necessary energy to reevaluate your days, and discover more about who you are and what you want.

If your New Year’s intentions are already evaporating, why not revisit your annual plan and revise it? This time, select just one change to incorporate into your life.  Make it small – you don’t want to set off alarm bells in your nervous system – the mere thought of change just ignites fear.

Then make it regular, so your brain creates a well-worn pathway and finally, be sure it adds to the quality of your life.  After 6 months, when you have assimilated this new habit, give yourself a well-earned pat on the back.

If you do choose to make one, small resolution for the year, I’d be fascinated to hear about it.  I haven’t made one yet and could  use some inspiration.

Happy New Year,

Bonnie

The article contained an explanation based on an experiment conducted at Harvard decades ago. When participants were asked not to think of a white bear (I always thought it was a pink elephant), they tended to mention it about once a minute in the monologue that followed.

The experimenter postulated that trying to put a thought out of your mind makes matters worse. By consciously attempting to avoid an undesirable thought, you remain more aware of it. Furthermore, when you focus your efforts on suppressing an idea, you unconsciously sensitize your brain to it.

According to the article, spending too much time fretting “undermines the body’s ability to react to stress, weakening the cardiovascular system and disrupting normal emotional functioning.” Yikes – what to do?

You can employ a variety of strategies. This article outlines six – one of which students found very successful when I was advising them as a dean at Wellesley. In this approach, you actually bring your attention to the your current anxiety for about 15 minutes, as you repeat your worry over and over in your mind (ex: I may never fall asleep; I’ll never pass this test.) As you might guess, most folks give up long before the 15 minutes is over; it’s just too boring to continue.

Another method is to take a 15-minute meditation break. Simply relax in a comfortable chair, allow your eyes to close and bring your attention to your breathing. Instead of focusing on your worries, when specific thoughts or concerns arise, simply let them float away while you bring your attention back to your breath. I recommend both of these seemingly oppositional strategies for mitigating the worry phenomenon.

Worry isn’t always a bad thing; if fretting beings a solution to a problem, that’s helpful. I was truly bothered when I realized I had forgotten to compose a November newsletter in the midst of my usual coaching, teaching and volunteer activities, along with travel to celebrate Thanksgiving with family and then more travel to celebrate a 4-year old grandchild’s birthday, then preparations for Christmas with more travel plans – plus the brief hospitalization of my 94-year old mother who turned out to be just fine.

While I appreciated a kind friend’s suggestion that no one would notice my newsletter omission because we’re all so busy this time of year, I wasn’t persuaded by her logic. However, I did tune into her comment about the expansion of our “to-do” lists during the holidays. As a result, I’ve decided to publish Midlife Discovery eleven times a year with a single issue for November/December. Stewing can be productive!

So if your worry level is rising this season, take 15 minutes to focus on your concern and get bored, or take a meditation break and get relaxed. Or, perhaps engage your specific anxiety and you may find a satisfying solution.

Meanwhile, happy holidays to you,
Bonnie

While I love the “connected life” as much as the next person, I fell into the camp of the callers who bemoaned the negative impact of these new technologies on our lives. That is, until one woman called in with a perspective that turned my perceptions upside down.

She gave “continuous partial attention” a positive spin by suggesting that this phenomenon had caused her to become more “mindful.” It actually prompted her to consider how she wants to live her life more consciously.

She provided two situations as examples. In the first, she is walking along the Charles River and asks herself whether she wants to wait for a text message from her brother, or turn off her phone. In the second, she is having dinner in Cambridge and decides whether or not to pull out her phone to determine what’s showing at the Capitol Theater in Arlington and what the weather is like there.

These two scenarios helped me understand her point that these new technologies provide an opportunity for us to become more mindful about the quality of our lives. In fact, I had just addressed an interrupted-life problem the day before.

To alleviate the increased stress that a newly acquired volunteer job had created for me, I developed what I called a “Saturday strategy.” I decided to tuck the daily, incoming email related to this work into a “2-Read” file and also to enter every “to-do” item from phone calls I received into my planner. Then on Saturdays, I intend to devote two hours to this work – period. I’ll let you now how this strategy works out: )

If we wish to be fully present to the richness in each moment of our lives in this age of “continuous partial attention,” we’ll have to strengthen our “mindfulness” muscles. Are you willing to ask yourself the kind of questions the caller did when she was walking by the Charles River, or dining in Cambridge? How do, or will you choose to handle your day-to-day interruptions? I’d love to hear about any decisions you make and the impact these choices have on your life.

Happy Halloween,
Bonnie

If you’d like to learn more about how the life coaching structure can help make your life less stressful, more productive and, dare we say it, actually fulfilling, you can contact me for a free consultation.

Ben-Shahar was suggesting that stress, in itself, is not bad – noting that stress can even make us stronger and more resilient. As he sees it, the problem is that folks do not know how to recover from stress, so he focuses his attention on stress recovery.

I grasped the concept immediately, as I remembered the trainer at my local gym telling me to allow a day in between the Nautilus exercises he was demonstrating in order for my muscles to have time to recover. I also thought about my various yoga teachers over the years, who all emphasized that relaxing after a pose is as important as holding the pose. (And who doesn’t love Shavassana, corpse pose – that most restful end to a class – especially when your yoga instructor provides temple rubs with lavender lotion!)

I could easily see how this notion of recovery might benefit my clients, as well my friends, and myself. We’re all doers. As gals-on-the-go, we move from one project to the next. I wondered what might happen if we took a breather after completing a piece of work and congratulated ourselves on a job well done before jumping into the next big task on our “to-do” list.

Turns out this approach is the first of the three, stress-recovery strategies that Ben-Shahar outlined.
1. Micro-breaks – mini breaks of a few minutes, or a few hours throughout the day.
2. Mezzo breaks – Getting enough sleep at night and taking a day off here and there. Research has shown that folks who take a day off a week are healthier and more creative.
3. Macro breaks – Weeks, or even months. Most of us do not have the opportunity to take months off at a time, but he recommends taking that week, or two-week vacation.

As far as I’m concerned, the challenges of midlife warrant a year’s sabbatical, but Ben-Shahar’s micro, mezzo and macro breaks seem like a marvelous substitution for those who cannot spend a year allowing the fields of their psyche to lie fallow.

How about you? If you’re a gal-on-the-go, why not institute a stress-recovery regime in the upcoming week? You can try inserting a few micro breaks during the day. Then be bold and add the mezzo breaks of a good night’s sleep every night and a day off to improve your health and creativity. If you do experiment with this stress-recovery regime, I’d love to hear about your results.

As for me, right now I think I’ll have a cup of tea!

Happy fall,
Bonnie

Whenever I make a request at the end of a session, clients have the option of saying “yes”, or “no”, or making a counter offer. In this case, Jane responded with an immediate “yes” plus a magnificent expansion, “I will imagine each scenario just before I fall asleep.”

What a wonderfully wise idea! She had intuitively grasped what recent research has revealed: this in-between time before falling asleep is where creativity lives. Psychologists even claim to be able to enhance the creative performance of musicians and dancers by boosting the low-frequency theta waves that predominate as we turn inward and fall asleep.

Haven’t you noticed that ideas often come to you when you find yourself in this kind of relaxed condition? For example, when you are driving along a highway and suddenly realize that you don’t remember the previous few minutes, but you’ve discovered a new thought about something. Both Edison and Salvador Dali consciously traveled to this realm of in-between to unleash their own creativity.

Edison solved problems by falling asleep in a chair with ball bearings clutched in his hands over metal pie plates on the floor. As his hands relaxed, the noise of the ball bearings hitting the plates would awaken him, so he could jot down solutions that had come to him in this drowsy state.

Story has it that Dali also trained himself to doze off in a chair. He rested his chin on a spoon held in one hand, propped up by his elbow resting on a table so when he fell asleep, the clatter of the spoon would arouse him – whereupon he began to paint the fanciful images that had emerged in this hypnagogic state.

If you have a problem to solve, or are seeking new images, why not follow the approach of Edison, Dali and my client? (I don’t think you need to use the ball-bearings.) I’m certainly looking forward to hearing the results of Jane’s experiment and would love to hear about any of your efforts too!

Happy end of summer,

Bonnie