The answer is GRIT. Angela Duckworth, Assistant Professor of Psychology at UPenn has researched the development of this critical, follow-through quality. In a recent podcast, she defined GRIT as “the ability to persevere in meeting long term goals” and then outlined three ways to increase it.

1.  Outsource your grit. Duckworth recommends you adopt a long-used strategy of employing a coach or mentor, who doesn’t feel your emotions of frustration, or boredom and can hold a helpful objective view. (I might add that the structure of coaching, itself, naturally adds momentum to reaching your goals.)

2.  Deal more effectively with the feelings of frustration, boredom or confusion that are intrinsic to the learning experience. For example, if you fall down when skating, be able to say to yourself,  “I’m on the edge of the learning and in the growing part of reaching my new goal.” Realize you are in the process of creating a new habit. Duckworth suggests that If you do not experience these emotions from time to time, you are not learning, or moving forward toward your goals.

3.  Watch the timing when you make decisions about your resolutions. As Duckworth so academically states, “desynchronizing bad days from decision days is a good idea.”  (In other words don’t dump that resolution when you’re feeling down.) One strategy she suggests is to focus your decisions on Monday mornings, once a month, over a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Duckworth also referenced a study on improving self-discipline, which showed that when people make a plan to meet a specific goal, they are far more likely to accomplish it. (Don’t just make those resolutions; create a specific plan for implementing them.) She adds that an IF…THEN structure is very effective for planning. For example, “IF it is 6:00 pm on Wednesday, THEN I will go to the gym,” is better than “I’ll probably go to the gym on Wednesdays around 6:00.”  With the IF…THEN  structure, the time, itself, will serve as a trigger for actually taking action.

IF you decide to use any of these research-based tips and strategies to help you follow through on your New Year’s resolutions, THEN I’d love to hear about your experience: )

To further encourage the dogged pursuit of your resolutions for the upcoming year, I’m offering my newsletter subscribers a FREE  30/30 Consult (30 minutes for $30) during the month of February. To take advantage of this offer, simply send me an email (Contact Bonnie) and use GRIT in the subject line; then we’ll set up a convenient time to meet over the phone.

Happy New Year!
Bonnie

What woman with kids hasn’t experienced the horns of this particular dilemma? From stay-at-home Moms, I hear, “How do I stop feeling guilty that I’m not putting that wonderful education I received into a job?” Or, “How do I stop feeling guilty that I’m less of a contributing partner to our relationship?” The questions I catch from working Moms run basically along the line of “How do I stop feeling guilty for not staying home and being there for my kids?” Each of these inquiries can lead to a mind-boggling, “I know I’m not supposed to feel guilty (about working, or staying home), so how do I stop feeling guilty about feeling guilty?”

Tomes have been written about different ways of managing guilt – all of which seem to involve extra time, like making lists, future planning, designing a better work/life balance, etc. Instead, I suggest a simple, yet powerful technique for this holiday season when end-of-year work commitments and holiday shopping may be hiking up your stress level.

Whenever you notice yourself feeling guilty, simply become aware of that guilt, as in, “Oh, look at that, I feel guilty about blah, blah, blah.” Then accept this feeling, “It’s O.K.” Finally, allow the feeling to move, “I intend to move this feeling.” All of this internal dialogue occurs in seconds. You can remember this as the AAA technique: Awareness, Acceptance, Allowing. If you like, give it a try. You may be surprised to find your energy increasing, instead of decreasing.

And may I wish you Triple A days for the remainder of 2011 – i.e. abundant, animating, and absolutely amazing!

Bonnie

After the holidays, perhaps you’d like to begin the New Year with an assessment of where you are in your life and what you want for the year ahead. If so, my 30/30 Consult may be just the ticket for you

At that time of year, winter begins to chase the heels of fall and diminishing daylight signals the arrival of the upcoming holiday season. Those of you who have been reading Midlife Discovery for a while now, know that I believe that self-care, or should I say, “superior self-care” is a must-have when you are in the process of reinventing your life. It also becomes paramount for your well-being during the holidays.

Self-care calls for an inward turning. With your ever-increasing holiday and end-of-year “to-do” lists, finding time to tune into what you want in that moment can be a challenge. But as the days shorten, and you feel more and more rushed, I encourage you to pause and take a deep breath, then ask yourself a simple question, “What do I want right now?”

A spa day, a simple balsam candle at night, a long luxurious tub can be wonderful examples of self-care, but only if YOU want them. By tuning into your true momentary desires regularly, you may find yourself surprised by what you may need in that moment. Maybe it’s a quick run, maybe it’s a coffee break, maybe its a stretch, maybe it’s simply switching your work task.

I have found, of late, that a 15 minute reading break nestled in the comfy couch in my sun room surrounded by plants does wonders for my work pace. In ways I don’t really understand, I seem to get more accomplished when I allow myself that kind of break when I feel like it.

Determining your pace is a tricky business. The first step, of course, is to tune into yourself, then determine what you want in that moment.  If you require a quick breather, take it.

“But I have all these things to do; I simply can’t right now.” you may say.

“According to whom?” I will ask in response.

Your body knows what pace is right for you, even when external pressures seem to require a different, (and maybe stressful) one. Your pace is dynamic, ever changing with each day and time of day. Have you ever noticed how some days you’re in the zone and get one task accomplished on top of another easily. And that on other days you feel sluggish and almost contrarian. I say honor the slug. Tune in and see what she wants. Maybe she wants you to water that plant on your desk, or have a cuppa with that new brand of tea you just purchased, or simply to start writing that article, instead of answering your email.

You won’t know until you ask. So why not learn your true pace this holiday season and initiate a new spectrum of supreme self care for yourself. If you do try this experiment, please let me know what happens.

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.
- Virginia Woolf

Meanwhile, I wish the happiest of holidays to you and yours,
Bonnie

If you’re looking for a special holiday present for a friend, or relative, you might consider purchasing a 30/30 Consult with me. Simply shoot me an email and I’ll tell you how to set this up as a surprise gift certificate to arrive on whatever day you like and scheduled at the recipient’s convenience.

(As you might guess, I had time for such contemplation, because this storm left coastal Rhode Island relatively unscathed as this “morning after” photo taken out my back slider will attest.)

When I first talk with women in my 30/30 Consults, they often express frustration about what is happening to them. Despite their earlier achievements and very evident capabilities, these midlife women often feel lost and confused. Whether they’re planning to return to the workforce after taking time with their kids at home, or employed in a well-paying, highly regarded position, their query remains the same, “Is how I’m feeling normal?”

Like the unseasonal arrival of our winter storm, these unwelcome emotions seem out of place. In addition, those familiar pillars that formed the structure of their lives have come crashing down like snow-weighted tree branches. One Mom’s role might be shifting as her youngest child heads off to College, or another woman may find the luster of her intensive, high-power, high-income job has faded and cannot be restored. A well-ordered existence that has anchored their lives so well is uncontrollably changing.

Unlike our Halloween storm, however, the disruption at midlife does not blow through quickly to leave a sunny morning in its wake. The midlife storm erupts more gradually, churning up newly-experienced emotions, as you find your daily routine no longer satisfies you. Eager to feel excited about your future, you feel set adrift with no idea of  where to turn, or how to move forward successfully.

The sunny skies that followed this winter storm can also follow your own midlife disruption to bring you a life of focus and meaning. But the journey won’t take one night, and like this storm, it will be peppered with the emotional equivalent of overcast skies, freezing fog, and thunder snow. Perhaps the speed of this storm disqualifies it as a perfect metaphor for the midlife transition. But I still like the element of surprise it contains, because of that question I hear so often, “Is what’s happening to me normal?”

There are many other metaphors that can be used to describe the challenges of the midlife passage, like the metamorphosis of the caterpillar to butterfly, or taking a long ocean voyage. What metaphor would you use to describe your experience? I’d love to hear it, or any other thought, or query you may have.

Happy Halloween!
Bonnie

Self-Care is the act of honoring your own well-being in all the areas of your life in order to build energy reserves to deal with the unexpected situations and emergencies that naturally arise as part of living. Navigating the midlife passage demands pocketfuls of energy, so if you don’t actively focus on your personal well-being, you’ll lack the necessary foundation for constructing a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

Regrettably, Self-Care is not a one-stop shopping affair, where you complete a simple transaction and then you’re all set. True Self-Care requires your on-going regard – daily! If you’re like most women at midlife, you’re already engaged on numerous fronts like: going to work, maintaining a household, raising kids, caring for aging parents – not to mention suffering from bad news burn-out along with trying to enjoy your life while you invent a more satisfying one.

“How,” might you ask, “can I possibly add one more thing – especially every day?” You don’t have to (life is all about choice), but when you bring attention to your own well-being, your rewards will arrive in direct relationship to that concentration. As you read these words, perhaps there is a little voice in your head that whispers, “But that’s selfish!” If so, simply remember the over-used, but accurate analogy that when flying, you must put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping anyone else. Only when you attend to your own well-being, can you be of genuine help to others.

So where to begin in the midst of those days when the phone rings as you’re rushing out the door for your evening book group, while a quick look reveals the call is from your mother who is scheduled for surgery to get a new lead for her pacemaker; meantime your son screams he can’t find his book for his social studies homework, and you distractedly trip over the Barbie your daughter left by the door. Yikes!

Self-Care? Right now? How? You can take a deep breath, and then take another one. Focusing on your breathing helps shift your awareness from all the mental “to do’s” into your physical body. Then you can ask yourself, “What do I WANT right now?” You may, or may not receive an answer, but at the very least you’ll be in a slightly calmer state of mind and you will also have embarked on the practice of conscious Self-Care.

When we develop any competency like Self-Care, we travel through four distinct phases: 1. Unconscious Incompetency – unaware you lack Self-Care -> 2. Conscious Incompetency – aware you lack Self-Care -> 3. Conscious Competency – consciously develop Self-Care -> 4. Unconscious Competency – automatically practice Self-Care.

Because Self-Care provides the energy for empowering meaningful, midlife transitions, I’ve been thinking about creating a Midlife Self-Care Starter Kit. I’d LOVE to know if this idea appeals to you, and if you’d be interested in downloading such a kit to kick-start a conscious Self-Care practice and bring more energy into your days.

Love to hear from you,
Bonnie

My fingers are crossed that “the surge” at high tide this morning only flooded my basement and didn’t reach the main floor. In my current state of limbo, or not-knowing, however, I am content. I’ll undoubtedly go into adrenaline mode upon my return when the storm is over. But it will be fruitless, because there are better ways to accomplish whatever needs doing. Meanwhile I can enjoy a most leisurely day, reading books, chatting with friends and sipping steaming coffee heated over a sterno can by my most clever hostess at this port in the storm.

… It’s three days later. I’ve returned home and joy of joys, my electricity also came back with a very big bang this morning. In the days ahead I’ll have to move hundreds of items back to their original location, but the house and I have suffered no damage except for some spoiled food and the loss of some good work time.

I must admit to a certain weariness after three days of coping with no hot water and electricity, but the fascinating memories of visiting Beavertail Light with my hosting friends, where we felt the  power of the wind, watched the roiling sea, and sniffed the exhilarating air will always be with me.  So maybe disruptions to our lives where we have to recalibrate all our activities can be beneficial.  At the very least, they can certainly prepare us for those larger transitions that life requires of all of us.

If you live in the path of Hurricane Irene, I dearly hope that you were spared any serious repercussions. I’d love to hear your hurricane stories about what happened, how you coped and what you learned. I myself am gradually putting my house back in order – it’s going to take a while!

Do enjoy these last days of summer!
Bonnie

P.S. As a former academic, the new year always begins for me in September.  To celebrate, as a special for all my newsletter subscribers, during the month of September, I’m offering my 30/30 Consult for FREE. To take advantage of this opportunity, simply contact me with your request and we’ll set up a time to talk.

]]> http://bonnieleonard.com/2011/08/31/a-storms-wake/feed/ 4 http://bonnieleonard.com/2011/07/31/thoughts-for-midlife-caregivers/ http://bonnieleonard.com/2011/07/31/thoughts-for-midlife-caregivers/#comments Sun, 31 Jul 2011 18:35:11 +0000 Bonnie http://bonnieleonard.com/?p=912 Many women at midlife fill the role of caregiver. In fact, some find themselves caring for both their children (the next generation) and their elders (the previous generation). These critical caregiving roles often go unacknowledged, and are rarely honored or celebrated as achievement successes. Recently, some thoughts about the caretaking role arrived in a surprising context.

One of the joys of July in Rhode Island is the opportunity to attend the South County Woman’s Club’s “Annual Book and Author Luncheon” at the Dune’s Club in Narragansett. This irresistible event provides pleasure on so many fronts – a chance to relish books, to listen to talented writers, to enjoy the company of friends (three of us always go together), and to imbibe terrific food. (I’m a sucker for lobster salad.)

Maybe the best magnet of all is the Dune’s Club, itself. I have often heard that setting can act on the characters in a story and even serve as a character. And sure enough, this old club with its gorgeous dining room and windowed wall overlooking a long stretch of sand on the Atlantic ocean, pulls me back for this event every year. Happily, the weather always seems to cooperate, so my friends and I are able to sip iced coffee on the outdoor terrace, before slipping inside the great room for lunch.

We always meet interesting folks at our assigned table, because book lovers can easily find appealing conversation. Then over dessert, three author’s speak one after the other. It was the first speaker, David Dosa, MD, author of Making Rounds with Oscar, who brought up the topic of caregiving. You may recognize him as the geriatrician with the amazing cat (Oscar), who seems to have a sixth sense when one of the patients in the dementia unit of a nursing home is about to die.

As a geriatrician who works with the patients in this unit, Dr. Dosa provided some salient advice for their children and caretakers. First and foremost, he suggests, “You need to take care of yourself.” And therein lies the key for any woman in a caretaker role – especially a woman doing double duty with caring for both an elder and her children, or caring for an elder with dementia, or a sick child.

Pausing to even consider what it means to take care of yourself in these situations is a challenge. But you can start by taking ten minutes to ask yourself, “What are those things that are necessary to nourish me?” We each have different answers to that question, so why not stop and note five responses that you could give to this basic query. When your responsibilities are overwhelming, if you can give attention to any of those five factors, your life will come into better balance. You and everyone around you will prosper.

And may I also suggest a pat on the back and personal acknowledgement for the qualities that you are demonstrating as a caretaker like: loyalty, compassion and dare we say it, love.

Happy July,
Bonnie

P.S. For some easy summer reading, you can click on The Wisdom of Midlife Women banner on the right

At least that was the case for me, as the following scenario reveals.

“Madam, there is no room available.”

“But I made reservations at this desk a week ago,” I cried in disbelief.

“I’m sorry; there is no room.”

“What am I to do?” I asked urgently.

“I will call other hotels and try to locate a room. I cannot promise success. It is a busy week in Cairo. May I suggest dinner?”

This dialogue introduces a story I wrote called, “A Midlife Voyage of Discovery,” in the newly published eBook, The Wisdom of Midlife Women. I had originally called it “Clouds over Cairo,” but a wise editor changed it to reflect a deeper truth. (I guess she didn’t get my subtle reference to the sun’s blinding brilliance in the Egyptian desert.)

But hers was the better title; my hotel difficulties in Cairo reflected a deeper crisis for me – a single Mom with an emptying nest on a year of sabbatical travel around the world. Like many women at midlife, I was seeking to learn more my authentic self and what she truly wanted out of life. On this journey, I continually grappled with external hurdles that mirrored the internal impediments to my sometimes overwhelming midlife transition.

After years of moving to the rhythms of others at home and at work, my freshly emptied nest and a year’s sabbatical had given me the space to tune into my own rhythms. In addition, travel to lands never seen, had propelled me into unfamiliar territory where my usual ways of coping were no longer functional, so I had to adapt. With these two thrusters, I gradually began to find that true self of mine – but not without many, many “rapid-running” experiences. My story in The Wisdom of Women at Midlife is about one of them in Cairo.

There are twenty chapters altogether in this eBook. Should you read it, I recommend you bring your awareness to the women’s experiences that resonate for you. In this way you’ll learn more about that authentic self of yours. Some of their stories may even inspire you, because the purpose of this eBook is to explain through personal narrative how a midlife crisis (with it’s inherent painful adjustments and challenges for growth) can became a true midlife awakening.

If  you want to encounter the wisdom gained from the midlife crises of twenty different women and also see how my tale unfolds after I was kicked out of the Hotel Concorde (my story begins on page 37), click on the icon for The Wisdom of Midlife Women in the side menu. You’ll be taken to a site where you can download the eBook. Should you decide to dip into these stories, I’d love to hear your comments about them.

Happy summer reading (with all those books you love),
Bonnie

His new book, Flourish follows up on his earlier book, Authentic Happiness, where Seligman outlined research findings on what creates life satisfaction or happiness. He named three core elements: positive emotion, engagement (sense of flow when engaged in an activity) and a larger sense of purpose, or meaning.

With Flourish, he has added two more elements: relationships and a sense of accomplishment to create the acronym of PERMA for folks wanting to flourish in their lives.

I have to admit, I immediately fiddled with the letters of this acronym to create REMAP, because I believe Seligman has presented an elegant model for remapping your life. You can use his five elements of the well-lived life to conduct a star assessment of your own.

Picture a five-pointed star (yes, just like one of those children’s drawings) with one element at each point. Now using a scale of 1-10 (with 1 being totally unsatisfied and 10 being totally satisfied), rate the level of your current level of satisfaction with each element. For example, how would you rate relationships; are they bringing you joy each day? If not, what rating will you give that segment? Or what about engagement, how much of your day is consumed with activities so compelling you lose track of time? How would you rate this segment? Continue in this manner with each segment.

Once you have numbered each star segment to reflect your level of satisfaction with it, you can give your attention to one you would like to improve and brainstorm possible ways to do so. For example, if you select relationships, consider how you might shift your daily interchanges with friends, family and colleagues to improve those relationships. Or how you might add some more kindred spirits to your life. If you selected engagement, maybe you like the idea of heading for the garden after work, or perhaps you could sign up for an Adult Ed course in photography – whatever activities you find engaging.

Then pick one of those approaches you like, turn it into a simple goal for the next month and then head towards it for 30 days. For example, perhaps you intend to enhance your relationships, by focusing on one interchange each day with the intention of making it more worthwhile. Be an experimenter, simply observe what happens; at the end of the month see if you want to continue on this path. What do you have to lose?

If you proceed with this experiment, you know I’d like to learn about it. And so might other folks, who could benefit from your ideas and experience. So do let us hear from you!

Meanwhile, EnJOY!

Bonnie

P.S. If you’d like to learn about a more thorough examination of your life and who you are, contact me for a 30/30 phone consultation.

Perhaps it was the story he told about his father, the lawyer, who lined up outside the Providence Place Mall at 4:00am in hopes of owning one of the few iPad 2’s due to arrive that day. Unlike his Dad, I didn’t even know I wanted one until I entered that same store. I simply got lucky.

This purchase dropped me into unknown territory as I grappled with how to manage all the new technology it represented. I continuously sought guidance from the Apple specialists, but their conflicting advice left me wound into a tight ball of frustration. After a week of looking to others for help, I decideded to figure out by myself how to coordinate thousands of old Entourage files with a new Outlook system, and/or go with Mac mail to synch better with my iPad 2 – along with other similar challenges.

I am, for now, up and running. Despite a week I’d prefer to forget, I’m very happy the young man suggested I buy the iPad 2; I love it! (I actually composed this month’s newsletter on it, curled up on a comfy couch in my sunroom.)

As I was recounting my encounters with all this new technology to a friend (well, whining hard would be a better description), I realized this experience could be a mini-metaphor for what happens when you find yourself in the midst of “midlife malaise.” Your capacitors (capacity to hold energy, like a computer’s ability to hold electricity) are burnt out. You understand you need something different, but feel clueless as to how to proceed. You seek the guidance of experts and kvetch to friends, but in the end, the answer really lies within you.

Reinventing yourself at midlife is, of course, a more complicated and longer process than installing new technology, but in both cases, the ultimate knowledge of how best to move forward belongs to the owner. So what about you? Have you faced a daunting situation where you were able to tune into your own intuitive wisdom and find direction, or discover new truths?  What helped you to move forward?  Love to hear about it!

Next week I’ll announce the publication of a new eBook, where I have a chapter that describes just such a period in my own life.

Until then,

Bonnie

If you would like to learn more about a 30/30 telephone consult where your responses to powerful questions will help you gain more clarity about where you are and what you want, click here.