In the meantime, however, I recently came across a great life-transition exercise Nancy Schlossberg designed for folks heading into retirement. With some revision I think it’s perfect for women who feel stuck at the midlife crossroads. What follows is her exercise that I adapted for women at midlife. If you’re feeling immobilized and clueless about what’s next in your life, it may be for you.

This exercise requires that you design a series of business cards for that new life you’re hoping to create. Sure! You may not have a clue as to what that might be, but you can simply jot down any ideas you may have on a scrap of paper, or your lap-top, in a free brainstorming way – no judgment, no editing – just write! The more ideas the better.

When you’re finished, take each idea you noted and turn it into a business card. I suggest purchasing a packet of those blank business cards that you use for printing real business cards. Or cut a few 3/5 cards in half. Have a good time with this part of the exercise; play with logos, colors, scripts, and decorate to your heart’s content by hand, or on your computer. While many of your cards may represent future job or professional possibilities, don’t forget family and avocational prospects like a card for an Adventurous Aunt, or a Beginning Baker.

I guarantee that you will remember your ideas far more readily than if they passed though your mind sporadically. Writing not only helps commit your ideas to memory, but also enables you to clarify these ideas. And you will have set things in motion by your very attention to these possibilities.

When complete, spread out your cards on a table top. Then, pick them up one at a time, examining each carefully, as you stack one on top of another. Once stacked, tuck these Possibility Cards away. After a week or two, bring them out and sort through them. Observe which ones engage your attention. Do you notice that some are fading a bit? Attend to those that grab your interest, because as you move forward, the successful path will be the one that calls on your passions.

If you dive into this exercise, I’d love to hear about your experience – especially since it’s a new one for me. Your perspective is unique, so your comments will be invaluable – whether positive or negative. And if you’d like more exercises like this one, do let me know!

Thanks,
Bonnie

He details the results of his reconnaissance in a recent book called, Boundless Potential: How to Transform Your Brain, Unleash Your Talents, and Reinvent Your Work in Midlife and Beyond. While blogging about the book, Walton notes the first major outcome of his extensive exploration.

“State-of-the-art neuroscience has revealed that we are hard-wired for reinvention through the emergence of extraordinary new creative and intellectual powers in life’s second half.” I found this phrase “hard-wired” wonderfully comforting and wished I’d encountered it earlier.

At midlife, I found it increasingly hard to ignore the depth charge that seemed to have gone off in my psyche. A typical trigger event sent me spiraling into a midlife crisis when I realized the life I worked so hard to create no longer fit. My younger son headed off to college leaving me with a very empty nest as a single mother. That void catalyzed a midlife voyage that took me literally around the world on a year’s sabbatical.

In my confused, bewildered state, knowledge that I was “hard-wired” for reinvention could have assured me I possessed the resources to navigate the rough road ahead. After a challenging (and illuminating) year of circumnavigating the globe on my own, another two years passed before I discovered my answer to that perennial midlife query, “What should I do next?”

Looking back, I could have accelerated that time frame with some focused support. As a life coach, that knowledge motivates me to create the kind of space that empowers women to tap their “hard-wired” talents more easily and lay the groundwork for a more meaningful second half more effectively.

Now, in addition to my life coaching, I’m developing a new option to help midlife women locate the answer to “What Next?” as they seek a successful second act. As I mentioned last month, I’m working on a new desktop journaling program called, Reinvent Your Life ~ Write Now. Any question or comment you may have about this latest venture of mine will be gratefully received!

More soon!
Bonnie

Catch some Z’s. Not a bad idea. Many of us are a little sleep deprived. And who can function well when they’re short on sleep? Dream away!

Tackle those low-priority tasks that have been patiently awaiting your attention. For me, that means the small stuff like sorting through that stack of papers that needs filing. Or, perhaps a simple closet inspection, followed by a trip to the Morgan Memorial. Or maybe an extended clearing party with your email inbox.

Play all day. You’ll get no argument from me with this approach. Why not schedule a day in your life where all you do is play?  Venture forth on a road trip with your gal pals, or how about a day where you simply move from moment to moment doing exactly what you want?

Embark on a new project. According to the Myers-Briggs Inventory, I’m the type who loves to come up with new ideas and start new projects. Truth to tell, an inkling of a concept for an eBook has been haunting me with an increasingly louder voice. What glimpses of new projects frequent your abode?

Bring an ongoing project to completion. Yes, I am working on another project. Right now I’m immersed in developing a unique desktop journaling program and planning its launch. Later this spring, I’ll disclose more about this program designed for women craving a different life.

Out of the five options listed above – as well as others, which I’ll bet you can imagine – what’s your choice for how to take advantage of the extra day this year?  Remember, this bonus day does not have to fall on February 29th; you can take it any time! As for me, I’m wavering between play all day (the how yet to be decided) and work on the ongoing project I described above.

Do let me know what you decide; we can all steal your good ideas. A very talented sculptor once shocked me by saying, “all artists are thieves.” After a bit, I realized he was right. Theft here is truly a tribute, since any artist will put her own natural spin on another artist’s vision. So do tell us your ideas; why not share the wealth?

Happy Leap Day,
Bonnie

The answer is GRIT. Angela Duckworth, Assistant Professor of Psychology at UPenn has researched the development of this critical, follow-through quality. In a recent podcast, she defined GRIT as “the ability to persevere in meeting long term goals” and then outlined three ways to increase it.

1.  Outsource your grit. Duckworth recommends you adopt a long-used strategy of employing a coach or mentor, who doesn’t feel your emotions of frustration, or boredom and can hold a helpful objective view. (I might add that the structure of coaching, itself, naturally adds momentum to reaching your goals.)

2.  Deal more effectively with the feelings of frustration, boredom or confusion that are intrinsic to the learning experience. For example, if you fall down when skating, be able to say to yourself,  “I’m on the edge of the learning and in the growing part of reaching my new goal.” Realize you are in the process of creating a new habit. Duckworth suggests that If you do not experience these emotions from time to time, you are not learning, or moving forward toward your goals.

3.  Watch the timing when you make decisions about your resolutions. As Duckworth so academically states, “desynchronizing bad days from decision days is a good idea.”  (In other words don’t dump that resolution when you’re feeling down.) One strategy she suggests is to focus your decisions on Monday mornings, once a month, over a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Duckworth also referenced a study on improving self-discipline, which showed that when people make a plan to meet a specific goal, they are far more likely to accomplish it. (Don’t just make those resolutions; create a specific plan for implementing them.) She adds that an IF…THEN structure is very effective for planning. For example, “IF it is 6:00 pm on Wednesday, THEN I will go to the gym,” is better than “I’ll probably go to the gym on Wednesdays around 6:00.”  With the IF…THEN  structure, the time, itself, will serve as a trigger for actually taking action.

IF you decide to use any of these research-based tips and strategies to help you follow through on your New Year’s resolutions, THEN I’d love to hear about your experience: )

To further encourage the dogged pursuit of your resolutions for the upcoming year, I’m offering my newsletter subscribers a FREE  30/30 Consult (30 minutes for $30) during the month of February. To take advantage of this offer, simply send me an email (Contact Bonnie) and use GRIT in the subject line; then we’ll set up a convenient time to meet over the phone.

Happy New Year!
Bonnie

What woman with kids hasn’t experienced the horns of this particular dilemma? From stay-at-home Moms, I hear, “How do I stop feeling guilty that I’m not putting that wonderful education I received into a job?” Or, “How do I stop feeling guilty that I’m less of a contributing partner to our relationship?” The questions I catch from working Moms run basically along the line of “How do I stop feeling guilty for not staying home and being there for my kids?” Each of these inquiries can lead to a mind-boggling, “I know I’m not supposed to feel guilty (about working, or staying home), so how do I stop feeling guilty about feeling guilty?”

Tomes have been written about different ways of managing guilt – all of which seem to involve extra time, like making lists, future planning, designing a better work/life balance, etc. Instead, I suggest a simple, yet powerful technique for this holiday season when end-of-year work commitments and holiday shopping may be hiking up your stress level.

Whenever you notice yourself feeling guilty, simply become aware of that guilt, as in, “Oh, look at that, I feel guilty about blah, blah, blah.” Then accept this feeling, “It’s O.K.” Finally, allow the feeling to move, “I intend to move this feeling.” All of this internal dialogue occurs in seconds. You can remember this as the AAA technique: Awareness, Acceptance, Allowing. If you like, give it a try. You may be surprised to find your energy increasing, instead of decreasing.

And may I wish you Triple A days for the remainder of 2011 – i.e. abundant, animating, and absolutely amazing!

Bonnie

After the holidays, perhaps you’d like to begin the New Year with an assessment of where you are in your life and what you want for the year ahead. If so, my 30/30 Consult may be just the ticket for you

At that time of year, winter begins to chase the heels of fall and diminishing daylight signals the arrival of the upcoming holiday season. Those of you who have been reading Midlife Discovery for a while now, know that I believe that self-care, or should I say, “superior self-care” is a must-have when you are in the process of reinventing your life. It also becomes paramount for your well-being during the holidays.

Self-care calls for an inward turning. With your ever-increasing holiday and end-of-year “to-do” lists, finding time to tune into what you want in that moment can be a challenge. But as the days shorten, and you feel more and more rushed, I encourage you to pause and take a deep breath, then ask yourself a simple question, “What do I want right now?”

A spa day, a simple balsam candle at night, a long luxurious tub can be wonderful examples of self-care, but only if YOU want them. By tuning into your true momentary desires regularly, you may find yourself surprised by what you may need in that moment. Maybe it’s a quick run, maybe it’s a coffee break, maybe its a stretch, maybe it’s simply switching your work task.

I have found, of late, that a 15 minute reading break nestled in the comfy couch in my sun room surrounded by plants does wonders for my work pace. In ways I don’t really understand, I seem to get more accomplished when I allow myself that kind of break when I feel like it.

Determining your pace is a tricky business. The first step, of course, is to tune into yourself, then determine what you want in that moment.  If you require a quick breather, take it.

“But I have all these things to do; I simply can’t right now.” you may say.

“According to whom?” I will ask in response.

Your body knows what pace is right for you, even when external pressures seem to require a different, (and maybe stressful) one. Your pace is dynamic, ever changing with each day and time of day. Have you ever noticed how some days you’re in the zone and get one task accomplished on top of another easily. And that on other days you feel sluggish and almost contrarian. I say honor the slug. Tune in and see what she wants. Maybe she wants you to water that plant on your desk, or have a cuppa with that new brand of tea you just purchased, or simply to start writing that article, instead of answering your email.

You won’t know until you ask. So why not learn your true pace this holiday season and initiate a new spectrum of supreme self care for yourself. If you do try this experiment, please let me know what happens.

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.
- Virginia Woolf

Meanwhile, I wish the happiest of holidays to you and yours,
Bonnie

If you’re looking for a special holiday present for a friend, or relative, you might consider purchasing a 30/30 Consult with me. Simply shoot me an email and I’ll tell you how to set this up as a surprise gift certificate to arrive on whatever day you like and scheduled at the recipient’s convenience.

(As you might guess, I had time for such contemplation, because this storm left coastal Rhode Island relatively unscathed as this “morning after” photo taken out my back slider will attest.)

When I first talk with women in my 30/30 Consults, they often express frustration about what is happening to them. Despite their earlier achievements and very evident capabilities, these midlife women often feel lost and confused. Whether they’re planning to return to the workforce after taking time with their kids at home, or employed in a well-paying, highly regarded position, their query remains the same, “Is how I’m feeling normal?”

Like the unseasonal arrival of our winter storm, these unwelcome emotions seem out of place. In addition, those familiar pillars that formed the structure of their lives have come crashing down like snow-weighted tree branches. One Mom’s role might be shifting as her youngest child heads off to College, or another woman may find the luster of her intensive, high-power, high-income job has faded and cannot be restored. A well-ordered existence that has anchored their lives so well is uncontrollably changing.

Unlike our Halloween storm, however, the disruption at midlife does not blow through quickly to leave a sunny morning in its wake. The midlife storm erupts more gradually, churning up newly-experienced emotions, as you find your daily routine no longer satisfies you. Eager to feel excited about your future, you feel set adrift with no idea of  where to turn, or how to move forward successfully.

The sunny skies that followed this winter storm can also follow your own midlife disruption to bring you a life of focus and meaning. But the journey won’t take one night, and like this storm, it will be peppered with the emotional equivalent of overcast skies, freezing fog, and thunder snow. Perhaps the speed of this storm disqualifies it as a perfect metaphor for the midlife transition. But I still like the element of surprise it contains, because of that question I hear so often, “Is what’s happening to me normal?”

There are many other metaphors that can be used to describe the challenges of the midlife passage, like the metamorphosis of the caterpillar to butterfly, or taking a long ocean voyage. What metaphor would you use to describe your experience? I’d love to hear it, or any other thought, or query you may have.

Happy Halloween!
Bonnie

Self-Care is the act of honoring your own well-being in all the areas of your life in order to build energy reserves to deal with the unexpected situations and emergencies that naturally arise as part of living. Navigating the midlife passage demands pocketfuls of energy, so if you don’t actively focus on your personal well-being, you’ll lack the necessary foundation for constructing a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

Regrettably, Self-Care is not a one-stop shopping affair, where you complete a simple transaction and then you’re all set. True Self-Care requires your on-going regard – daily! If you’re like most women at midlife, you’re already engaged on numerous fronts like: going to work, maintaining a household, raising kids, caring for aging parents – not to mention suffering from bad news burn-out along with trying to enjoy your life while you invent a more satisfying one.

“How,” might you ask, “can I possibly add one more thing – especially every day?” You don’t have to (life is all about choice), but when you bring attention to your own well-being, your rewards will arrive in direct relationship to that concentration. As you read these words, perhaps there is a little voice in your head that whispers, “But that’s selfish!” If so, simply remember the over-used, but accurate analogy that when flying, you must put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping anyone else. Only when you attend to your own well-being, can you be of genuine help to others.

So where to begin in the midst of those days when the phone rings as you’re rushing out the door for your evening book group, while a quick look reveals the call is from your mother who is scheduled for surgery to get a new lead for her pacemaker; meantime your son screams he can’t find his book for his social studies homework, and you distractedly trip over the Barbie your daughter left by the door. Yikes!

Self-Care? Right now? How? You can take a deep breath, and then take another one. Focusing on your breathing helps shift your awareness from all the mental “to do’s” into your physical body. Then you can ask yourself, “What do I WANT right now?” You may, or may not receive an answer, but at the very least you’ll be in a slightly calmer state of mind and you will also have embarked on the practice of conscious Self-Care.

When we develop any competency like Self-Care, we travel through four distinct phases: 1. Unconscious Incompetency – unaware you lack Self-Care -> 2. Conscious Incompetency – aware you lack Self-Care -> 3. Conscious Competency – consciously develop Self-Care -> 4. Unconscious Competency – automatically practice Self-Care.

Because Self-Care provides the energy for empowering meaningful, midlife transitions, I’ve been thinking about creating a Midlife Self-Care Starter Kit. I’d LOVE to know if this idea appeals to you, and if you’d be interested in downloading such a kit to kick-start a conscious Self-Care practice and bring more energy into your days.

Love to hear from you,
Bonnie

My fingers are crossed that “the surge” at high tide this morning only flooded my basement and didn’t reach the main floor. In my current state of limbo, or not-knowing, however, I am content. I’ll undoubtedly go into adrenaline mode upon my return when the storm is over. But it will be fruitless, because there are better ways to accomplish whatever needs doing. Meanwhile I can enjoy a most leisurely day, reading books, chatting with friends and sipping steaming coffee heated over a sterno can by my most clever hostess at this port in the storm.

… It’s three days later. I’ve returned home and joy of joys, my electricity also came back with a very big bang this morning. In the days ahead I’ll have to move hundreds of items back to their original location, but the house and I have suffered no damage except for some spoiled food and the loss of some good work time.

I must admit to a certain weariness after three days of coping with no hot water and electricity, but the fascinating memories of visiting Beavertail Light with my hosting friends, where we felt the  power of the wind, watched the roiling sea, and sniffed the exhilarating air will always be with me.  So maybe disruptions to our lives where we have to recalibrate all our activities can be beneficial.  At the very least, they can certainly prepare us for those larger transitions that life requires of all of us.

If you live in the path of Hurricane Irene, I dearly hope that you were spared any serious repercussions. I’d love to hear your hurricane stories about what happened, how you coped and what you learned. I myself am gradually putting my house back in order – it’s going to take a while!

Do enjoy these last days of summer!
Bonnie

P.S. As a former academic, the new year always begins for me in September.  To celebrate, as a special for all my newsletter subscribers, during the month of September, I’m offering my 30/30 Consult for FREE. To take advantage of this opportunity, simply contact me with your request and we’ll set up a time to talk.

]]> http://bonnieleonard.com/2011/08/31/a-storms-wake/feed/ 4 http://bonnieleonard.com/2011/07/31/thoughts-for-midlife-caregivers/ http://bonnieleonard.com/2011/07/31/thoughts-for-midlife-caregivers/#comments Sun, 31 Jul 2011 18:35:11 +0000 Bonnie http://bonnieleonard.com/?p=912 Many women at midlife fill the role of caregiver. In fact, some find themselves caring for both their children (the next generation) and their elders (the previous generation). These critical caregiving roles often go unacknowledged, and are rarely honored or celebrated as achievement successes. Recently, some thoughts about the caretaking role arrived in a surprising context.

One of the joys of July in Rhode Island is the opportunity to attend the South County Woman’s Club’s “Annual Book and Author Luncheon” at the Dune’s Club in Narragansett. This irresistible event provides pleasure on so many fronts – a chance to relish books, to listen to talented writers, to enjoy the company of friends (three of us always go together), and to imbibe terrific food. (I’m a sucker for lobster salad.)

Maybe the best magnet of all is the Dune’s Club, itself. I have often heard that setting can act on the characters in a story and even serve as a character. And sure enough, this old club with its gorgeous dining room and windowed wall overlooking a long stretch of sand on the Atlantic ocean, pulls me back for this event every year. Happily, the weather always seems to cooperate, so my friends and I are able to sip iced coffee on the outdoor terrace, before slipping inside the great room for lunch.

We always meet interesting folks at our assigned table, because book lovers can easily find appealing conversation. Then over dessert, three author’s speak one after the other. It was the first speaker, David Dosa, MD, author of Making Rounds with Oscar, who brought up the topic of caregiving. You may recognize him as the geriatrician with the amazing cat (Oscar), who seems to have a sixth sense when one of the patients in the dementia unit of a nursing home is about to die.

As a geriatrician who works with the patients in this unit, Dr. Dosa provided some salient advice for their children and caretakers. First and foremost, he suggests, “You need to take care of yourself.” And therein lies the key for any woman in a caretaker role – especially a woman doing double duty with caring for both an elder and her children, or caring for an elder with dementia, or a sick child.

Pausing to even consider what it means to take care of yourself in these situations is a challenge. But you can start by taking ten minutes to ask yourself, “What are those things that are necessary to nourish me?” We each have different answers to that question, so why not stop and note five responses that you could give to this basic query. When your responsibilities are overwhelming, if you can give attention to any of those five factors, your life will come into better balance. You and everyone around you will prosper.

And may I also suggest a pat on the back and personal acknowledgement for the qualities that you are demonstrating as a caretaker like: loyalty, compassion and dare we say it, love.

Happy July,
Bonnie

P.S. For some easy summer reading, you can click on The Wisdom of Midlife Women banner on the right